I never REALLY felt broken and unfixable until well into my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was the best thing Heavenly Father ever could have done for me.
Right when I reached this point where I felt like I had the whole missionary thing down to a science, the Lord loved me enough to let me fall. All of the sudden nothing seemed to be working despite my best efforts. I became overwhelmed with anxiety-something that I hadn't dealt with that intensely in my life up to that point. I became so aware of my inadequacies, and I felt like I was drowning in them. I felt like I literally had nothing to offer. Even though I was reading the scriptures and praying, I couldn't feel a thing. I felt broken and didn't believe that I could REALLY feel something other than a tired, anxious heart every minute of the day.
And then...everything changed.
One particularly challenging morning I can recall kneeling on the floor in our little mission apartment beside my study desk, silently crying and pleading to the Lord to help me feel not even peace but the absence of fear, just for a minute. Something I didn't know if I could ever feel again.
I still felt nothing.
That's when I opened my scriptures and read:
"But he was wounded for [my] transgressions, he was bruised for [my] iniquities: the chastisement of [my] peace was upon him; and with his stripes [I am] healed." Isaiah 53:5
That scripture hit me like a tidal wave. I immediately felt an indescribable PEACE flow into my anxious heart. It was the most beautiful feeling I've ever experienced. I had never before understood the Savior's power, but in that moment, it was so REAL. So APPARENT. So UNDENIABLE.
It changed my life. Not just knowing, but actually FEELING the atonement made all the difference.
In a rush of gratitude I realized that had I not gone through that pain, I never would have come to understand the majesty of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I felt more beautiful, more loved, more whole that I had ever felt before.
My anxiety didn't completely go away after that, nor were my problems immediately solved. The difference was knowing that I wasn't alone. Someone knew what I was going through, utterly, and completely.
Here are five things I learned from that experience:
1. There are greater scars from one who came before.
Scars can be physical, or they can be hidden in the form of depression, anxiety, PTSD, addiction, abuse, and rejection. In contrast to what the what the world would have us believe, these scars are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. The Savior of the world said,
“Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me” (Isaiah 49:16).
Jefferey R. Holland once said in a personal interview with a burn victim, Stephanie Nielson, “We look for Christ's scars because they are evidence of what He did for us. They'll be the first things He shows us when we see Him again. Your scars tell a story too. They might not make you feel attractive, but they are a witness of a miracle: that God blessed you to live and that you have accomplished very difficult things.”
2. Jesus Christ is the master of fixing broken things.
As a boy, Jesus took up the trade of Joseph in becoming a carpenter. Just as Jesus must have worked to build and re-build physical things, he works to build and re-build our broken hearts.
Elder Uchtdorf remarked, “if man can take the ruins, rubble, and remains of a broken city and rebuild an awe-inspiring structure that rises toward the heavens, how much more capable is our Almighty Father to restore His children who have fallen, struggled, or become lost? It matters not how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be.”
3. You are a work in progress.
In 2010 the Provo Tabernacle, a well-loved historical landmark in Provo, Utah was ravaged by a devastating fire that rendered the building useless. The community mourned the loss of this beautiful cherished building. What people didn’t know at the time, is that the Lord had greater things in mind for this building. In the October 2011 general conference, President Monson announced that this beloved building would be re-purposed to be a temple of the Lord.
Of this experience Sister Linda S. Reeves said,
Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple —a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.
Elder Uchtdorf echoed this sentiment when he said, “It matters not how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trust, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt…there is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored.”
4. This is leading you towards something better.
Sister Reaves says,"My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones —and maybe our own —figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally."
“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory.” (D&C 58:4)
5. You can rise above.
I once had the opportunity to hear a women’s heart wrenching experience of suffering through abuse. She described the pain and heartache with tears in her eyes. Years after she left the abusive situation, she had the opportunity to minister to a woman who had gone through similar experiences. As she shared her story, it hit her that part of why she had to go through what she did, was so she could relate to this woman. It made all the difference for that sweet sister as it gave her the courage to move forward with faith, knowing that she was not alone. Every painful experience you endure, can become your greatest blessing and opportunity to lift others.
"Ignite the Light" stems from my personal experience, while also pulling from the experiences of so many other brave and resilient people that I know and love. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, like a temple rising from rubble, Jesus Christ is standing with open arms, ready to lift our burdens and shoulder our pains.
#BeautyForAshes #IgniteTheLight #Temple#Hope#Faith#JesusChrist#Broken #LightTheWorld #inspirationalquotes #Hope
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